So Many Things

There have been so many things happening recently, things changing for the better. Here’s a menagerie:

  • First of all, looking back through some of my posts. I read one where I was trying to describe the previous colour of our kitchen. I used the words ‘rust’ and ‘squash’. I’ve been meaning to share the actual colour, as elucidated by Al some months ago: ‘clown-hair orange’.

  • We got new cookware! Happy blessed gifts of autumn! Upon discovering the evils of Teflon, we bought stainless steel pans, and even a cast iron pan.

  • In another one of my older posts I talked about my challenge with regards to singing uninhibitedly. Well, the time is now for me to overcome that hurdle. I’m discovering the different ways I can use my voice, like a new instrument, and it’s a lot of fun.

  • After much in-depth conversation (see the post from September 13th), I am finally being here for myself. Not just for myself, but for Al, and for life. For existence. I spent a long time under the oppressive cloud of escapes. Mainly video games, which served as a combination of comfortable, numbing escape from real pain (there is no real pain in games), false sense of accomplishment, a reminder of simpler, happier times (my brother and I would spend hours playing when I was younger), and eventually a constant source of anxiety as I worried about what I wasn’t doing in real life. All the shame, anxiety and pain that was keeping that motor running was finally exposed, and it just fell apart in the light. Now, I have decided to finally let it all go.

  • As a result of the above, I’ve been being here. I mean, in my life. At first it was painful, as expected, to just be here and deal with all the things life throws at you without a mental escape, but now it’s getting less painful. I’m realising the truth to the phrase “whatever you water will grow”. In relation to the mind, I was watering my escapes for years. If you ever need directions in Vvardenfell, I’ve got you covered. But now it feels like water is falling on parts of my life that have been neglected, growing wild, or just straight up drying out and dying. “Al, our pans are made from Teflon! Teflon!” “Al, we should be soaking our oats, it’s what our ancestors did.” “Al, I think I might be able to, like, use my voice in, I dunno, like, a different way?”

  • I realise these bullet points are just fake paragraph breaks. Al’s been taking more pictures recently, and as always they are exquisite. They can be seen on her website. I’m excited for what’s to come.

  • Autumn is here and it is full of memory. Cool wind through the car windows, all these trees looking like they’re being slow cooked on a grill. I should say, Fall.

  • I bought maybe the coolest jacket I’ve ever owned. I found it for ~$30 at a used clothing store. It’s blue denim with a faux white wool collar. It’s warm, and I feel like James Dean in it, even though I’ve never seen a James Dean film.